…so you don’t have to.
A wise man once said that you can prove anything with facts. He was right – you can. However, float above the narrow prism of the factual and reality becomes a more nebulous concept. For it is within this white space the automotive press-release copywriter dwells. A land of fairies and elves, where steaming troughs of hyperbole appear as tureens of nourishing broth.
Illustrating that despite the nature of the current motoring landscape, car manufacturers appear to retain a sense of the ridiculous.
A recent viewing of Audi’s press-release for the forthcoming TT model was catalyst for this outburst, being, even by industry standards, particularly ripe for satire. That they actually expect the media to put this out with a straight face is one thing, but the fact they slavishly comply tells you everything you need to know about what’s happened in publishing since the internet ruined everything.
But rather than subject you to the entire quivering mass, I have provided a handy translation which (possibly) outlines what Audi really wants to tell you. Honestly, it was no trouble at all.
“The third generation of the Audi TT, the design icon, has been systematically refined in every department, both inside and out – resulting in a pedigree sports car. It is particularly notable for its sharper lines, which have been defined very dynamically and precisely. Throughout the entire car, the interplay of surfaces creates incredible tension.”
The third generation TT has been mildly tweaked in the customary Ingolstadt manner, so as to look uncannily like the last one, while ensuring it is not as well resolved as the original. Oh yes, we have arbitrarily decided that it’s now a design icon. On what basis? Because I flipping say so and if you continue to deny this I’ll scream myself sick.
“Many details of the new Coupé’s profile are reminiscent of the first generation’s classic design. The sill contour forms a powerful light edge and the wide wheel arches constitute distinct geometrical entities. At the front, the wheel arch intersects the hood join, which continues over the door as the tornado line and extends all the way to the rear. The flat greenhouse looks like an entity in its own right. The shape of the C-post, with a slight kink, gives the TT a powerful, athletic look and enhances the impression of tension.”
We were afraid of doing anything remotely original, so we just fiddled with the details. The sill contour forms an effective mud trap, so don’t wear your best trousers. Now yes – the Tornado line. I’m not really sure what that is either, but it sounded good in the design briefing – look, I had an awful lot of coffee that day. Anyway, it extends all the way to the rear and yes, I do realise they all have one. What’s that you say? I’ll give you tension!
Now where was I? Ah right, yes, the greenhouse. It’s an entity in its own right. And it’s flat. Hang on, how can it be flat? What’s this now – kinky C-posts? Who writes this crap?
“At the rear, too, horizontal lines reinforce the wide, sporty impression. The struts in the rear lights pick up on the headlights’ motif. They remain permanently on – another Audi innovation.”
We are compelled to reinforce the assertion that the new TT is sporty, because if you haven’t noticed ducky, everything is now. So yes, we’ve added lots of horizontal lines for no terribly good reason. And by the way, I never said that – you just imagined it. For some unfathomable reason, the rear lights have struts in them – the designers did explain it to me, but I was too busy admiring their hair. Sorry.
What’s this now – they remain permanently on? No, not their hair, you moron, the lights! No, of course I have no pissing idea why – but we’re the first to have it, so that’s good isn’t it? No, it is. Look, I’ve had about enough of you…
So there you have it. The new Audi TT is classic, sporty, iconic and incredibly tense. So for heaven’s sake, don’t antagonise it. Being this unoriginal can’t be easy…