Rolls Royce Unveil Some Brilliantly Purple Prose

It’s a slow day in the news department when the unveiling of a new name counts as reportable material. But the name in question is “Dawn”.

A 1950 Rolls-Royce Silver Dawn:
A 1950 Rolls-Royce Silver Dawn:

That’s not a new staff member at Rolls Royce but the name of their forthcoming drophead. This is what Rolls-Royce had to say: ‘Dawn’ perfectly expresses the character of the new Rolls-Royce. In its tentative, inchoate, anticipatory state, dawn is the world coming to light from the ethereal dark of the night. The early-day chill of dawn provides an erotic tingle on the skin, awakening the senses and passions as the day begins.

Like Eleanor Thornton, thought by many to be the inspiration behind the Spirit of Ecstasy, the Rolls-Royce Dawn will also prove itself to be the muse that leads its owner to believe that at the start of the day, anything is possible. The new Rolls-Royce Dawn is beguilingly visceral. It excites both men and women – they want it, they need it and they want to immerse themselves in it. It is languid and beautiful, fresh and fragrant and awakens the passion of your life.”

Well, indeed. The second paragraph is most amusingly overdone, no? So much for British understatement.

Rolls Royce say the car is due for sale in 2016 and will promise a world of social motoring thanks to the ability of the car to lower its roof. I can well imagine owners of these cars engaging in lots of spontaneous conversations at the traffic lights thanks to the convertible characteristic of the vehicle.

A while back I was much amused by Renault’s promise that their Kadjar would restore the lust for life of its potential owners. The claims made for Dawn are at a whole new level, specifically the erotic tingles of the chill of dawn and anything that relates to the ethereal dark of night.

Mechanical details, naturally, are unforthcoming but are believed to be “adequate”.

Author: richard herriott

I like anchovies. I dislike post-war town planning.

7 thoughts on “Rolls Royce Unveil Some Brilliantly Purple Prose”

  1. Richard. I have to say that this piece falls below your usual standards. As I hope you know, I find your ability to satirically parody the written outpourings of the motoring industry impressive. But this piece is just not credible. The point of good pastiche is that you should look at it and, for a moment at least, believe that it could have come from the source suggested. In the case of the above, no-one reading these pages would believe for an instant that Rolls-Royce’s PR department actually produced it. It reads like Mills & Boon soft-core, written by a 14 year old. Only that fact is likely to prevent Rolls Royce from suing us for gross defamation. If you can’t manage better than that you should seriously reconsider your position at DTW.

    That said, next time I get into my freezing car on a Winter’s morning, I shall try to think positively and savour ‘an erotic tingle on the skin’.

  2. “Because when it’s dawn somewhere, in another part of the world it is getting dark. The inevitable daily diminution of the sun’s rays brings a lament of sorrowfulness to our lips as we consider the sad fate of Eleanor Thornton, drowned at thirty-five, a victim of a terrible war. As with anyone’s life, we ponder Eleanor’s lasting memory, the simulacrum of her half-clad form leered at by plutocrats for more than a century.

    Yes, the new Rolls Royce Sombre Sorrow will bring its owner to his or her emotional knees as the scent of thirty dead animal’s skins assails their nostrils and the searing glare of diminishing hardwoods fills their gaze. As their wasted life ripples before them, like the salty waves that claimed Eleanor’s body, they resign themselves to the loathsome futility of existence, the fatuous hubris that has informed their lives and realise that they neither want it or need it.”

  3. This really is not worthy of Rolls-Royce. Although there have been aberrations in its history – the Phantom III that was a bit too ‘American’ in its engineering, the slabby Camargue didn’t hit the mark and the sight of a Corniche convertible with colour co-ordinated bumpers and wheels still sticks in my mind – they have normally retained a dignified superiority in dealing with their customers and potential customers. The clever styling of the Phantom and the well known ‘adequate’ riposte that Richard quotes sum it up.

    But this incoherent, verbose tripe is beneath contempt. I assume that people in PR departments are given the job because they have a way with words, can construct a natty sentence and can seduce and thrill their clients with a plausible pitch. This spluttering, desperate, elongated fart of nouns and adjectives just smears itself over my screen and, really, if I was a ‘high-net-worth-individual’, I’d conclude that Rolls-Royce thought that I was a complete twat, albeit one with an attractive bank balance.

  4. My own favourite ejaculation from the fulsome pen of Torsten Mueller-Oetvoes was as follows; ” It [the Dawn] will be the most social of super-luxury motor cars for those beautiful people who wish to bathe in the sunlight of the world’s social hotspots.” Or to put it another way, ‘Not for the likes of you plebs’. Still, in light of the recent UK elections, it’s pretty much on message.

  5. I saw a Phantom not so long ago and actually thought it’s starting to look dated, and not in a good way. Makes one wonder where they will go from there, although I’m guessing the next one will be an evolution of the current model and of styling details seen on the Ghost and Dawn.

  6. Thanks for those responses. It seems beyond satire, so bad is the style.
    I had a look at the Phantom and didn’t spot anything wrong. I admit I am very bad at spotting what makes a design seem dated. I can spot interiors of houses and clothes but not cars. What is it that stands out?

    1. Not entirely sure, but I think it’s the front end that suffers the most from a comparison with the Ghost.

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