The Future’s Bright – (oh, hang on a second…)

The new BMW 7-Series is awash with colour and tech. Oh joy.

'Wanna lift? I've got gesture control!' The new BMW 7-Series in Arctic Grey Brilliant Effect. Or is it Magellan Grey? Oh forget it. Image via BMW UK
BMW’s flagship in Arctic Grey Brilliant Effect. Or is that Magellan Grey? Hang on, that looks more like Jatoba. Oh forget it! Image: BMW UK

According to Autocar, who seemingly troubled the press pack – (something I’ll admit to not being bothered doing) – the newly announced BMW 7-Series will be available in a dazzling array of cheerful colours. Or to put it another way, it won’t. On the surface of things, the new 7’s colour palette looks even more drearily monochrome than its uninspired styling.

Buyers will be able to choose from Alpine White, Mineral White, Carbon Black, Black Sapphire, Black College, Cashmere Silver, Glacier Silver, Imperial Blue, Sophisto Grey, Singapore Grey, Magellan Grey, Arctic Grey Brilliant Effect and Jatoba – (which is some kind of metallic Brown). You may think this is some kind of joke, but I’m afraid that’s your lot.

And on the subject of jokes…

Earlier in the week, DTW poked a stick at Mercedes’ bid to out-tech its rivals, only to find in fact that it’s BMW who is elevating pointlessness to giddy realms. Autocar’s description of the new 7-Series reports the following gem. “There’s also optional gesture control for the first time. It uses a three-dimensional sensor mounted within the headlining to detect hand movements that are used to control functions including the audio volume and the acceptance or rejection of calls. The new system detects five different gestures, including clamp, point, rotate, swipe and a two finger command”.

At this point I was going to suggest you couldn’t make it up – until I realised you can. I’ve gone with, ‘Camp, Talk to the Hand, Up yours Matey’, and exclusively for Middle Eastern Markets – ‘Khalas!’ Frankly the potential for all manner of unintentionally amusing in-car signage appears about as broad as those bloated kidney grilles up front.

Bizarre, is it not? As cars themselves become ever more conservative and formal in appearance, the in-car tech becomes correspondingly more frivolous. There’s actually so much here one could satirise, it’s difficult to know where to start. Or to find the energy to bother. Has it really come to this?

Author: Eóin Doyle

Founding Editor. Content Provider.

1 thought on “The Future’s Bright – (oh, hang on a second…)”

  1. As you say Eoin, this is self-satirising. Like the narrow parameter of acceptable colourways that the owner of such vehicles is supposed to inhabit, so must one wonder at the self-control over involuntary movements that they will have to show.

    For all the worries about a future where Artificial Intelligence so outshines our own that we become irrelevant, this seems a sign that it’s already happened. Some drivers might flatter themselves that this is another way of their becoming mistress or master of a machine but, for me, driving along waving my fingers in the air in the correct way to get a suitable response, I think I’d just feel like my 7 Series’ puppet occupant, its nodding dog.

    I find the top photo rather ambiguous. An empty BMW stopped in the early evening in the middle of the country, one door open and no sign of the occupants. Did they make an unacceptable gesture?

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