More Cruel Than Pombal, Lovelier Than Life Itself

Driventowrite is in cheeky, quizzical mood today. So, a gauntlet will be placed carefully and politely at your collective feet. 

1957 Wolseley advert: source

After all the hard work and testing, the result of the collective labour of hundreds of women and men over several years, every car gets summed up in a few short words. The following is a selection of verdicts on cars produced in recent years. Can you guess which cars the descriptions relate to? I can say one thing, the images above and below are not a clue. They simply nice sorts of pictures to attract your eye.

1.” Our choice: A base Yaris. Or save up for a Kangoo and do the job properly.”

2. “This second edition adds mature sharpness and stong detailing. Otherwise it’s a car you like and respect rather than adore because the dynamics are well-honed but not quite so sharp as the best of the French…”

More irrelevance: source

3. “Our choice: 1.6 is an absolutely cracking mainstream hatch, or the (…X…) for proper hot hatch performance.”

4. “Our choice: unless you need the space buy an Astra or Focus. Nice estate though.”

5. “Our choice: nearly new (…X…) worth considering, but try a Saab 9-5 instead.”

6. “Our choice: In this narrowest of nichces try the Nissan Terrano [instead].”

7. “They called it […X…]. They should have called it the Cheryl. Cute, but short of panache. Blame its upbringing.”

8. “Lovely little 1.0 litre turbo, very refined and vastly improved all around . But it’s still an […X… ]. Need we say more.”

9. “Yes, yawn, it’s the new […X… ]. Trouble is this one really take the fight to the […Y… ]. On-board connectivity is superb.”

10. “Say hello to your next company car. Comfortable cruiser, quieter than before and entirely unmemorable”.

11. “A car that proudly wears its cheapness on its sleeve. Do you like unsophisticated pretentiousness. You will love this.”

12. “New lights and bumpers, plus on-board wi-fi to distract passengers from the wallowy handling and droning engines.”

 

Author: richard herriott

I like anchovies. I dislike post-war town planning.

22 thoughts on “More Cruel Than Pombal, Lovelier Than Life Itself”

  1. I think 7. is the Adam.

    10. could be German; either C-Class, A4 or Insignia – A4?

    11. made me smile – the devil really does have the best tunes.

  2. Number 11. Original 2015 Mercedes CLA. I drove two just to be sure; the second so I could be sure I hadn’t been sleepwalking the first time.

  3. I think that 1. and 4. are Fiats. 1. sounds like something along the lines of a Doblo and 4. a Tipo or Bravo.

    Is 11. some sort of Ssangyong?

    3. Fiesta?

    8. Corsa?

    1. I thought that some seemed familiar from the ‘Good, Bad and the Ugly’ section of The Magazine Which Is No Longer As Good As It Was (or similar publication). I think some of them are very funny and apt – I’ll see if I can identify some more.

  4. This is unfair! We need a timescale, especially when your visual links are leading the suggestible among us so cruelly astray… 10. could be the Vectra, for example, but more appropriately should be a recent 5 series BMW. I anticipate boiling blood for this shrieking dissonance….

    1. Hello Robertas: yes, correct. You were paying attention when I scribbled about the Frontera a few months back. Like the Suzuki of the same time, it was biased towards off-road use (hence the 4×4 system etc) and criticised for same. It also looked better than the Terrano too.

    1. Yes to all of that. To win the two minute holiday for two in sunny Co. Laois you will need to specify which generation of Corsa, Astra and Zafira I had in mind….. just kidding.

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