Great news everyone. It’s pantomime season and who better to kick off this most joyous of entertainments than Tesla?
I’m sorry to sound rather curmudgeonly. I actually like pantomime. It’s as much for the adults as the kids, with a little innuendo, some (not so) subtle jokes and plenty of genuine laughs. As for the season, well, the curmudgeon levels within me rise. As age creeps ever on I see less appeal in Christmas and more irritation. All through the year, we get dragged into things we don’t wish to deal with, yet somehow in December, everything has to be completed before the 25th, as though the world may stop turning. Which to Cap’n Hook, it will do. Sorry kids.
I also have to admit I’m a dinosaur to the modern world. Apps pass me by. Facebook has no clue as to what my lunch was. Tweets have never been aired. Is Instagram an electrical supplier? Of course I use the internet; Duck Duck Go (thanks to DTW involvement), You Tube, Apple products, since these days it’s harder not to. But they are a means to an end (usually sourcing DTW articles) for information, recreation and to hasten the demise of the High Street by internet shopping.
Thus, my idle browsing one evening when slumber couldn’t be induced and with no intention of being Cyber Monday-ed, I found this. Oh my.
My knowledge of Elon Musk is somewhat lacking. I know he invented PayPal. I understand he launched a car into space and wants us to go to the planet Mars for our children’s holidays. He clearly has more money than I have sense. Which isn’t hard to emulate. But the Tesla Cybertruck launch wasn’t simply borderline trashy pantomime. It was sadly compelling watching, but in a teeth-clenching, pulse numbing, wholly theatrical way. Was the producer paid in gold coins? Did a crocodile leap up and remove his (or her) hand? And as for the glass slipper not fitting…
The truck itself, whilst I am guessing will not see production exactly as seen on the stage, actually isn’t too bad. To these eyes it possesses a look that suggests it’s the major new full-size Mattel© Hot Wheels, to be in the catalogue shortly and soon to be best seller. CT has the aggressive stance, necessary for today’s market. Drawn using a protractor and metal rule, no shapely flourish nor remote chance of a curve here. Other than the chunky tyred wheels, obviously.
Mr Musk stated the excellent Ridley Scott film, Blade Runner was used as a thought process in TC’s design. Well, it would hardly be Smee, would it? Again, I can see the logic – to a point. That film had hover-cars; for the life of me, surely this vehicle cannot fly. Aside from the truck being made of Stainless Steel, can Elon Musk really perform magic? Or can it climb that giant beanstalk? Blade Runner also contained replicants, a human/robotic hybrid creature, built to do life’s more dangerous or menial tasks – perhaps that’s Tesla’s market?
To the truck’s weight again, CT makes a Bentley or Maybach look svelte. Ten thousand pounds or near as makes no difference, 4,500Kg. That’s some heft to haul some air about. For apart from the real industrial users, how many pickup trucks do you see shifting anything but air? As a lifestyle vehicle, CT could well be one of The Ugly Sisters. And with that girth aboard would surely shorten any kind of range.
One very fine attribute to stainless steel would be the vehicles patina with age. Dents wouldn’t rust, weathering might enhance the looks and at the end of Cybertruck’s life, you could make a new hook for your hand. Or melt it down to make silver-like coins. Apparently, a YouTuber of note, Supercar Blondie thought it looked “nice, painted silver.” Another internet sensation, one Marques Brownlee already has an order placed. So, I’ve heard, has Peter Pan. Wendy is undecided. John Z DeLorean will be livid, his motor no longer the steel-eyed wonder.
For me, the crowning glories were the farcical vandalism of current top selling real life truck, the Ford F-150’s door, compared to Cybertruck’s. The trucks designer, Franz Von Holzhausen (wasn’t he The Prince in Cinderella? Or the bad guy in Dick Whittington?) picks up a striking hammer and positively knocks the Ford’s door into the middle of next week. He then demonstrates the Tesla’s strength by showing the hammer to the door, barely touching it.
Onto the glass which has military and space grade strength; that is until the lost boys are let loose with ball bearings and smash the living daylights out of it. He’s behind you! And if behind that window, now requiring hospitalisation. Which Von Holzhausen might need now. I don’t think his boss was too keen on the outcomes of the glass incident. Cinders won’t be going to the ball, methinks.
Come the end of the performance, Mr Musk thanks everyone, reads out names and waves to some children in the audience, throws out sweets and finishes on a song. Tinsel and fake snow fall from above. I appear to have entered Neverland, readers, for surely none of this actually happened? Oh yes and it’ll cost $40,000.
Next year I hear Mr Musk is playing the Window Twanky. I’m buying tickets right now with some magic beans I’ve found. Right, off to bed in my dinosaur print pyjamas.