A not-so-serious look at the dark art of automotive one-upmanship.

Buying a new car these days is an exhausting process. Manufacturers, in their quest to fill every imaginable (and some unimaginable) micro-niches, now offer ranges that are truly bewildering in their breadth. Your first task is to trawl through the 38 different models and bodystyles (Mercedes’ current UK tally) and choose the one that best suits your needs and pocket.